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There’s a meme in tech culture about hiring ‘10x engineers’. It’s the idea that a single exceptional engineer doesn’t merely add value to a startup in a linear (+1) fashion, but that the right talent can exponentially improve a product. And it’s an acknowledgement that these hires aren’t evenly distributed.
I recently found myself extrapolating this idea to the relationships in my life:
Relationships follow power laws. You will have 4 or 5 in your life that profoundly impact you, with the rest trailing off dramatically. So, if the impact of relationships fails to disperse across 1x, 2x, 3x improvements in our wellbeing, but are far more pronounced in actuality (1x, 10x, 100x)... Why is it that we don’t conduct ourselves accordingly?
One answer is that it’s easy to be complacent, especially with our time. The things we’re given for free, we often fail to value. And this counts doubly for the relationships that feel effortless. Precisely why we fail to miss people until they’re gone.
We all have the friends that are fireworks in our life- seen once a year, dazzling in their briefness, and magical in their effects. Yet the scarcity of these encounters are often self-inflicted. We have the time, we have the ability, but we fail to invest accordingly. We enjoy these precious little human nuggets when we see them, but we otherwise allow life to intervene.
Moreover, we allow life to be leeched away by menial tasks, lackluster dinners, and draining conversations. It’s like the scope creep of the meaningless bullshit in our lives. You postpone a couple lunches, and a year slips away since you’ve seen your best friend.
It’s subtle, and it’s challenging. But this idea is worth remembering. As relationships are all that we ultimately have, to neglect the most impactful is tantamount to pissing away our precious time.
This sentiment isn’t uncommon- “20 years from now, the only people that will remember you worked late are your kids”. But it should not be forgotten by those of us who haven’t quite reached that stage yet. With each advancing year, the responsibilities add up. In the present moment, you are likely the most healthy, the most flexible, and the least burdened that you will henceforth be. You think your knees hurt now? Just wait.
And so, I suppose the first step is recognizing that you have a problem. Half the battle is recognizing the value of the precious resource we have (time), and considering exactly how the hours are being spent: invested or squandered. Plan the trip, take the lunch, and make the call. It’s always worth the investment to double down on those who care.
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